I certainly seem detached, but I just cannot focus on reality

        I know I'm too fucked up to be loved and, no, I don't mean that I'm a spoiled lassie or one of your heavy and too romanticized stories. I'm a simple emotional disaster who never knew how to tame their own feelings. I mean that I'm just a silly human who will always look for serenity, but rarely will know how to fight for it. I am stuck between two fucking ideas: I think I can offer the most comfortable peace and the sweetest love (including all of my tedious childish behaviors), but from a different viewpoint, I see myself as a waterfall from which only sadness and sorrow flow.
        I always seem to be absent-minded or preoccupied with my own inner world or careless or not interested in what is happening next to me, but I simply don't know how to react at the things around me. I'm not made of stone, not even wood, all I can do is to subtly or even very deeply love your shadow in the night.
         I just skip to a parallel universe, I mean my imaginary world where I can find myself much safer even though I am the only one alive in that universe. I mean, the ones from reality are there, but they can't affect me with their problems or silly thoughts.
        In the middle of the conversation, you can see that I am mentally and emotionally absent because my eyes are lost, my mouth seems sewn with loneliness. I know this is a turn off and a rude behavior, but in a world where sadness and chaos run naked on the streets, my imaginary world is the comfy place where I can find my cure for being "absent minded", loneliness. People can judge me as a weird girl, a socially inept person, but I need a moment of silence and loneliness to heal my wounds caused by people and my thoughts.
        I can't promise you good times every fucking single day because everybody knows that I'm a rollercoaster that dazzles you or a person who will always mindfuck you harder than a little girl excited to be fucked at 8 am in a Sunday morning when everyone wants to sinks into sleep.
        I know I'm weird and stubborn, but that's my way to be after I put the pieces of my soul destroyed by colossal storms. These pieces are wild and totally different, but I've tanderly cared them, so they are my new soul carefully glued with love from the one that loves me more than I deserve. So don't make me to lose my imaginary world where I can find the power to love the ones from reality, don't try to make me a little less weird, make me more smooth.
        I'm sorry for not being the positive person the ones I love deserve. Also, I feel sorry for making a show of my forbidden and terrifying parts.
        Forgive me for loving you so much that I've forgotten how to show you, forgive me for losing, finding and messing up the things which tame your heart: my words. I'm sorry for having an imaginary word in my head and for making it real, that was the only thing I have could done before I've met you. I'm sorry for my strangeness, for not hiding my childish issues using temporary remedies. I'm sure that being so whole by myself scares you.
        You've given me a lots of chances, but I've been a child who will fully understand too late that you are the one who knows how to kill my need of sadness.
        I hope that I will be lucky enough to get a new chance to show you that our hearts will intertwine forever even though you see me now as a lover who has not known how to love you as much as you deserve.